I have great updates about Rian...
He is currently off oxygen and we even fed him dinner (fruit and fries haha) and we got to walk around with him...until they reminded us he is contagious and we were confined to our room. With any luck he will be sent home tomorrow but if I know our history with Rian that will get dragged on. mostly because I truly think he likes to make sure we are good and stressed until he cuts us some slack.
Now onto the guilty part because as chipper as I am about his good standing that is the feeling I am feeling right now.
I am at home. Rian-less. I rushed home to make sure i got some clothes ready for work and to let my sister and her dad and my lil' bro in the house. Why are they coming you ask...well because of my work of course. I have alays had to take a lot of time off work due to the past my job being more flexible than RC's. Once we had Rian both sides kind of changed. I still needed time off...more actually...and RC's job got a little more flexible. We were more equipped to take time off for the girls school functions and rotate field trips and so on. However with Rian and all his appointments we both go. If you have ever known what it is to have your future...your kids future lie in the fate of each doctor appointment and the good or bad news it may bring you know that every one requires a support sytem.
Recently I took more time off than normal. Rian has been sick more and I just feel bad not playing my part. This last week on Thursday even though Rian was (clearly) sick as a dog...I felt guilty and like a failure for missing...work. I felt like I was a horrible employee for putting my family first. The kicker...when I got to work my boss was nice but basically let me knows my attendance sucked and he had been leniant for a while but it needed to get fixed. I said I understood was working to get better but that all stemmed from me telling him I needed to leave to take Rian back to the doctor at noon cause I knew something was wrong. I left at 330 and was still feeling guilty for leaving at all.
The end result was that...I realized I became the person I never wanted to be. I was the person who actually put my job before my family. Guilty. Now here I sit. Blogging from my bed while my son is in the hospital so I could get at least 4 hours of sleep and be at work extra early to get some things done. Why? Because I don't want to lose my job. I need my job. I need the income. I clearly need the insurance but when did that become more important than my kid. I emailed my boss. I called and left a voicemail. He may have gotten it but I never heard from him and honestly that makes me fear that he just didn't care...care to let me know it was okay to miss work.
I know this is a lot of rambling but when Rian was the hospital the first time coming home to his empty room was torture. Now here I am again. Alone and no Rian in his bed. It breaks my heart and makes me cry and feel shameful for even being here...because a job is a job. However...when it seems like its what makes or breaks your livelihood how do you honestly put it second.
This whole ordeal makes me look at things different. Makes me realize I have my priorities slithly skewed. I feel guilty for so many reasons and although Rian will survive...cause daddy is with him...what happens the next time...what happens when I don't take a sick day cause I don't wanna hurt my job to take him to the doctor and it is something serious all over again...
ugh. guilt. sucky feeling.
Oh honey. I am sorry you are feeling this way. I wish I had the right words to say. I too feel like this with my job. Like when I had to go on bedrest at only the 5th month of my pregnancy or a couple of weeks ago when I stayed home with Aaden after only being back at work for three weeks. I feel like they act as if I am no longer pulling my weight, and hey maybe I am not, but I am doing my best. It is hard to juggle it all, and while yes of course our families come first sometimes you gotta put some extra effort towards work to let them know that your job is important to you. I felt like crap and even found myself apologizing the day after I stayed home with Aaden the first time he was sick. I too need my job for insurance and financial reasons, but I also enjoy going to work and getting that little break and feeling appreciated. Anyways what I am trying to say is that it's okay to feel that way. Us Mama's do have many priorities and some how it all works out. I must say I broke down in tears when you said you were at home without your baby AGAIN, I am sorry my love, but I am glad that Rian is doing so much better now.
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