In 4 days my husband will be leaving on a new adventure all alone. He will be going to CA to start a company to better our family, to find his smile again and to hopefully make something for him, for the kids and hopefully for us. I know that sounds weird to many, but to me it sounds quite normal. We often wonder what our lives will lead to, who we will be in years to come and I have realized that I am the same person that I never wanted to turn into. An angry, bitter and sometimes cold person that has no idea what it is that scares her so much about letting someone love her as much as she loves them.
Truth.
I am scared shitless that as soon as I let my guard down 100% I will get hurt, have that person walk away and inevitably tell me that it's not going to work out, that they found someone or something else to fulfill their life or worse...that they would rather be alone that to be with me. I am scared that's what he is doing subconciously. Running. Running very quickly.
Now.
I am starting a new journey much like my husband. A lonely one I think, despite the fact that I have 3 kids, a dog and a cat to look after. Don't get me wrong. I love my kids, my animals, my life and even my husband, but I don't like that sometimes you don't always have those things under one roof. I'm going to miss my husband.
Once.
I thought we would never be apart, figured we could hit every peak, every valley and still make it out on top but after infidelity, dishonesty, sick baby, loss of life, big decisions and well...life...I just don't know anymore. Honestly. I am being overdramatic but sometimes, that is all I know how to be, I am a woman after all.
Sure.
This is silly and I am sure that in 6 months time we will be happy and things will be turned around but for right now I just don't see how. I don't see how my husband, the man that I love more than life itself can be taking such a huge leap of faith in his life and I am only concerned about how this will hurt us. How I will lose the man I know and how he will become a stranger. Why can't I just be happy and supportive, why do I have to be so damn stubborn. Answers? Anyone?
I am.
Scared for me, excited for him and nervous for our family but despite all the insecurities, the heartache and the unsureness I surely hope we can make it through this. I know that this struggle, that it will be worth it but for right now I think I am allowed to be TERRIFIED, UNSURE and did I mention TERRIFIED for what the future holds.
Love Always,
Scared Sh!tless.
I wish I had something super profound to say to you, I wish I could PROMISE you that it's all going to be okay, I wish you weren't going through this. I can't say I have been there, the longest Gabe and have been apart was when he went to Mexico last year and it was pure torture. I can say that I often worry that one day Gabe will just say "what the hell am I doing with this fat cow nagging wife?" and pick up and walk out. I KNOW that RC loves you and I KNOW that he wants for nothing more than to make money and a great career for his family. He isn't running from your life, but just striving to make it better, and it is normal to be scared. Change is scary, life is scary and you guys have been through SO much already that this just another little hurdle. We are here for you, and of course here for him since he will be near us. It is going to be okay, he isn't going to change, he is your husband and loves you and your family SO much. Keep your chin up lady.
ReplyDeleteAndrea hang in there, RC is a great guy and you all have been through a lot, I agree with Tiffany, he's looking to better your family's future and sometimes to do that you got go out there and find it, but he's doing it for all of you. I'm here for all you when ever you want to talk - take care, its not going to be easy, but you can do this. love you you all.
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